Patrick Willis: Just nod, back away slowly, and give him the football

I could write pages about tonight's beautiful, ugly, beautiful 49ers win. I could talk about the ecstasy of our franchise-record seven takeaways, the relief of Frank Gore's return to form, or the childlike joy of seeing Kurt Warner getting beaten around like the world's smuggest pinata. Instead, I will say only two words:

Patrick. Willis.



Patrick Willis is more than the NFL's best defensive player. Patrick Willis is a conglomeration of pure cosmic energy, perfectly assembled at the atomic level. I would say that Patrick Willis is the alpha and the omega, but a system of language has not been devised by human intelligence that can properly convey the extent to which Patrick Willis exists on a higher plane than us mortals.




Patrick Willis is what would happen if Ray Lewis were exposed to extreme radiation and grew another Ray Lewis.


Patrick Willis eats the cookies you leave out for Santa.


Patrick Willis actually won the 2004 election, but didn't contest the results to preserve a more perfect union.


When Jesus wins a game at the last second, He calls a press conference and thanks Patrick Willis.


You know those paintings of faces where it seems like the eyes follow you all over the room? That happens with photographs of Patrick Willis.


Before they were prevented by lawsuit from using his name, the original sizes of Starbucks drinks were "Tall," "Grande," "Venti," "Patrick Willis," and "Extreme Patrick Willis (consult your doctor if pregnant or nursing)."


No occupying force or army has ever successfully conquered Afghanistan. Then again, none of them ever thought of sending Patrick Willis.


Patrick Willis wrote his own version of the O.J. Simpson book "If I Had Done It." The entire book consists of the sentence, "You wouldn't have said shit, would you, bitch?"


Nobody is sure exactly how this happens, but Patrick Willis' paychecks from the 49ers are all signed "Patrick Willis."



John Madden wouldn't be afraid to fly if he knew Patrick Willis was on the ground.

QUOTE OF THE GAME courtesy of a drunk Mexican guy:
"Five fumbles, B! Five! That's some Obama shit!"

FUN FACT OF THE DAY: On September 16, 1973, the Falcons crushed the Saints by a score of 62-7. The winning quarterback, who posted a perfect passer rating by going 13-15 for 227 yards and 3 TD's, was named Dick Shiner.